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Sorting It Out…

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I heard a phrase the other day, and it really made me laugh.  “I’m going to sort him out one way or another!”

The gal who said it had the entire thing down pat.  Hand on hip, accents in allllllllll the right places.  It was perfect!  And so damned funny.  I have to admit, I’ve said it a time or two myself in the past about various relationships and, yes, even my husband.  Well, I’m sure the feelings are mutual, and I’m certain my husband wants to sort me out from time to time.

To sort someone out means to change his behavior patterns or way of thinking, to put him back on track and make him…right.  Well, the truth of the matter is, that never works out. The one thing I’ve learned in these thirty-some years of life is that I can’t FIX anything, and I can’t MAKE people change.  They have to want to change. Ultimately their problems are their problems and none of my business.

Some advice I gathered over the years that has been valuable?  Look long enough to see the “ick.”   Have compassion, take a deep breath, and then look away. I’m not saying you shouldn’t help someone if you’re asked.  Helping is good, but helping too much…well, that can become not so good.  You cross the line, and then you move into enabling.  And that’s a whole different matter.

Helping out a friend might mean merely listening and providing a shoulder to lean on.  We should offer advice for our friends when we’re asked, and we should offer support for their journeys.  Maybe we need to have more tolerance for people’s imperfections and accept them for who they are.  When I feel accepted and supported (especially when I’m at my worst or most vulnerable) I recover more quickly and end up doing my best work.  I’m able to learn from my mistakes because I was allowed the time and space to fix my problems myself.  This is a huge concept.  Doing it myself.  If someone is constantly doing the work for me, I never learn anything.

In Pilates we spend a lot of time sorting out our movement patterns.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes a lot of patience and persistence.  And I mean a lot! The goal is to have all movement patterns emanate from the abdominal muscles. We spend a lifetime, unless otherwise taught, moving from our extremities.  As I’ve always said, moving from the extremities (arms and legs) can take you only so far and often leads to chronic pain and injury.  I have to be impeccably precise with my advice to my clients so I don’t end up doing their work for them.  I need to guide them along as opposed to just spilling out the answers.  I remind myself to slow down, take a step back, and avoid bombarding them with my solutions to everything.

That’s a challenging concept for me because I want them to get it now (or maybe even two classes ago!). But I’ve learned that if I’m more patient, my students’ progress comes faster, and my work grows easier…and more enjoyable in the long run.

Maybe we should all just stick to SORTING our laundry, bills, paperwork, and so forth. If we take a step back and not make such a big deal out of SORTING OUT the people in our lives, our loved ones will learn to grow stronger from the inside out and not from the outside in, which never works. I really  believe that to be true…

Bye for now!